Ever heard the expression “don’t quit your day job?” it was created specifically for you. Yes, I’m talking to YOU off-beat nu-earth poet, Freelance graphic designer, guy who got photoshop on a torrent and is making “SICK ALBUM COVERZZZ”, you “indie” musicians who love the “raw” sound that recording on a thrift store cassette recorder captures as you whine about nonsensical things while playing out of tune instruments to make it more “real”, you people who write with too many “quotation marks”.

I came upon this realization that all people aren’t good at everything after I saw a bevy of miserable attempts at graphic design show up on my facebook wall. Do I think that people need to express their creativity? yes. But get it out of my face unless you want some “feedback”. If it’s your first attempt at producing a piece of art, I’m cool with that, get it peer reviewed by people who will give you honest and knowledgeable feedback, not facebook.

Congratulations, go eat paint.

I’m just trying to help everyone out. I don’t want to watch your ‘Movie’ that just so happens to be sweeping shots of landscapes with a quirky coldplay song playing to enhance to crappiness of the shots. Welcome to every Vimeo “Movie” ever made. I mean, I understand you love soft focus shots of cows, but it only make me hungry for a big juicy steak, I can’t even follow along with the coheed and cambria song playing. I WANT RIBEYE!

If I am to believe you as an artist, you better be starving and unappreciated. I want paintings that really mirror the abject poverty you live in, or show me some gloriously juxtaposed image of opulence and wealth. I want to hear the music that you believe in so much you’ll throw all you have at it, not just $0.95 at a thrift store looking for that “beautiful irony”. And then if you do throw all you have into the music and it’s terrible, then you know you are actually not just bad at music, but delusional (and thus even more hilarious).

Heidi Montag is a perfect example of this. She threw millions at her album. But she has never, and will never, had a tenth of an ounce of talent. I would rather listen to the stomach rumblings of a man with a severe case of IBS. So she is an idiot. she should jump off a bridge.

So if you have downloaded an illegal copy of photoshop, have fun with it. Think you have made something worthy of wasting other people’s time trying to figure out what happened? You didn’t.

Don’t before you do, this will keep you from failure.

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