Archive for June 10th, 2009

Just about every place you walk into these days has a sign on the door that says concealed weapons are not permitted. I really wonder how effective these signs are for preventing crime. I’m sure I could do some research and come up with all sorts of numbers about how concealed weapons do or do not change crime rates, but I won’t. I’m far too tired and uninterested in the numbers.

Lets try out a couple of tales.

You walk into McDonald’s and notice that you aren’t supposed to have a concealed weapon but you take it inside anyway. You sit down with your lovely lady friend for a classy Big Mac extra value meal.. or combo.. or whatever it is McDonald’s calls their burger, drink, and side menu choice. (Which reminds me of a funny ad for Big Macs. “So much flavor the bread called for backup.” Clever. A bit funny. But I’ve never liked paying more for just extra bread.) While your girlfriend is praising you for the excellent evening of dining (a big step up from your usual “date” of Cheetos, Dr. Pepper, and microwave burritos which you purchase with food stamps) you find you have an urgent call of nature. When you return you find Buddy McHenderson, a lifelong rival sitting with your girl and making her laugh. His hand rests on her thigh. In a jealous rage you pull out your concealed weapon and shoot him in the groin. If you’d only obeyed the sign at the door you could have challenged Buddy to a real fight for the honor of your lady. Sure you’d have gotten your ass kicked because Buddy is way cooler than you and knows how to fight, but at least you wouldn’t be going to jail for murder.

You and your friends pull up to a McDonald’s on the shady side of town. It is 3AM on an early Saturday morning. You have your ski masks, gloves, and trench coat ready. Pistol in the waistband. The three of you charge the store, ready to steal all the big bills people have been ponying up for dollar menu items after a late night of drinking. But wait! The sign on the door says you can’t bring in weapons. Dejected you and your friends pile back into the getaway vehicle and drive down to the Taco Bell. Hopefully Taco Bell doesn’t have a rule against weapons and you can finally score the big hit.

You and your elderly grandmother visit McDonald’s. As always you have your trusty six-shooter tucked away. The sign has been worn off the door so you don’t notice your last resort safety measure is banned, so you bring it inside anyway. Halfway through your McDouble (which is 1 cent cheaper than a double cheeseburger… I’m not sure what the difference is) a greasy-haired man in a trench coat walks inside. He starts screaming that his his truck broke down, it is raining, his girlfriend left him, his dog died, and his momma got hit by a train on her way home from prison. Instead of making the obvious choice and writing a riveting sequel to the greatest country western song ever written “You Never Even Called Me By My Name”, this fine gentleman decided to take his frustrations out on the burger joint that contributed so maliciously to his obesity. He begins firing a pistol randomly at patrons. You quickly pull out your weapon and crouch down, just like you’ve seen so many times in the movies. Bam! Bam! You’re a hero and saved the lives of 12 other obese McDonald’s patrons as well as your grandmother.

All three stories show some aspect of the debate over banning concealed carry. Which is the stronger argument I cannot say. I personally believe that if you intend to commit a crime the sign on the door won’t stop you. The only vaguely valid reason would be to stop the crimes of passion. Personally I favor the ability to protect myself from mentally unstable postmen.

comic from Matter of Fact